The American Dream
The American Dream
According to Chris Crowder
April 24, 2007
Just like everyone else you are a unique individual. As individuals, we all desire to fit in and be accepted by society. Unfortunately, people are judgmental. Most people can't see beyond their own perfections. Everyone who has ever laid eyes upon you instantly developed an opinion of the type of person you are. These unfounded opinions are unjust and have nothing to do with who you are as a person. People not only judge others according to their age, sex and race, but also by their clothing, their hairstyle, their car, their friends, and even the size of their butt.
I have come to a conclusion. In this life it doesn't matter who you are. What matters is who you are perceived to be. In order to be accepted by society, you must portray the appearance of being equal to or better than the people you meet. If you appear less than equal, people will look down on you and avoid you. Some folks will even snicker behind your back and ridicule you. If you appear equal to or better than those you meet you will enjoy popularity and be accepted with respect regardless of who you really are.
Through observation I discovered that social status and worldly possessions are closely related. Let's face it. If you look poor you are poor. Life is all about outward appearance. The better you look the better you are. Over the years I have learned from myself and others how to portray an attractive persona. I hope this guide will help others become who they want to be in life. It's never too late to work on your appearance; however, the earlier you start the better off you will be.
By the time you graduate from high school you should know exactly what you want to spend the rest of your life doing. Your career is a very important decision that should not be taken lightly. Some folks choose to follow in their parent's footsteps by pursuing the same career that mom or dad had. A lot of parents encourage this because parents understand that their children have the same interests and beliefs that they have. Others will rebel and make their own career decisions based on their vast knowledge of the world. If you choose your own career goal, stick with one that is an obtainable, realistic goal. Difficult-to-obtain careers--gold collar jobs--are good only if you have rich parents to fall back on. Actors, musicians, athletes, the president and other politicians are gold collar jobs. These are the most important jobs in our society today and represent honesty, integrity, and wealth. If your parents aren't so rich you might want to play it safe and stick with one of the options presented on "Career Day" in high school. At career day, people from a select few professions present and represent the unabridged world of opportunity. Some people, for financial reasons caused by a little accident, will have to skip their career selection and get a job. Whatever career path you choose, do so ASAP. The rest of your life depends on it!
Now that you have decided on your lifelong career, ain't it about time you got educated? The public school system taught us the skills required to function in society. We learned skills like punctuality, getting along with others, corporal punishment, following stupid rules, and ass kissing. Further education--related to your career choice--is required to get a job. Unless you are lucky enough to get a scholarship, college education requires money. A quick look at the current work force confirms that ones level of intelligence is directly proportional to the cost of ones education. Anyone who paid for education is infinitely smarter than one that took the initiative to educate himself either by study or by hands-on experience. You cannot be a professional at anything unless you have a degree. A degree is a professional license that proves you not only attended college, but were capable of memorizing enough stuff to pass the exams. Without a degree, how can you prove your capabilities to potential employers? Employers want degrees! No one cares about knowledge or experience anymore.
Having a degree is good, but having a degree from a prestigious university is divine. Do not be a cheapskate when it comes to obtaining your degree. Your reputation is at stake! If you don't have money,borrow it! Only consider the most expensive University that is willing accept you. Some folks will argue that you can get a good education from a... GASP! Community college. Sure, but a degree from a big university that sends you plummeting in debt will land you the most respect.
Once you have a degree and have sobered up from college life, the next logical step is to get a job and start enjoying life. If you borrowed money for your education, the job is going to be mandatory as the bills for your student loan start rolling in. Aren't you glad you didn't skimp on your education?
Always work for somebody else. It's impossible for anyone to make a living on their own. Remember: self-employed equals unemployed. It's not work unless you were told to do it. You have to work! It's a fact of life. There is a reason why prisons are full of jobless people. It's time to say goodbye to childhood and embrace responsibility. Do as George Thoroughgood said: "Get a Haircut! and get a real job!"
If you can't land a gold collar job, large corporations are the best places to work for. Manufacturing is so laid back that the years painlessly slip away. Everyone is so happy to be at work. Factories are full of motivation, love and caring. Every day at the mill you will feel warm and fuzzy all over. The managers are honest and treat their employees with great respect. Corporations offer unbelievable benefits to their employees. Free T-shirts for perfect attendance that advertise your dedication to your employer. Free coffee for managers, and free water for workers. With a gracious five days of paid vacation you can enjoy many long, relaxing vacations each year. Try taking a day off being self-employed. Ain't possible. Employees in the corporate world are constantly getting raises and promotions. I'll let you in on a little secret: If you want to get in management, learn to play golf.
Armed with your degree, you are sure to find the career of your dreams in your field of expertise. Even though you don't have any experience in that field you know that you will love doing the work. Once you land the job you will be disappointed that the pay is less than you expected. The advertised pay was top rate, not starting rate. But you owe, you owe, so it's off to work you go. You start out being trained by a 55 year old who is a real somebody and who really knows his stuff. He has been at top pay for years and knows everyone in the company. Strangely enough, your trainer gets laid off two weeks after you start work.
After a month or so you start to see that those skills taught in public schools were valuable after all--punctuality, getting along with others, corporal punishment, following stupid rules, and ass kissing. Congratulations! You are now a respectable individual with a rewarding career that will lead you to retirement.
You discover that, after paying your tuition loan payment, you have some extra cash every month. This is a bad thing! You have to spend that money. If you keep it, it will go bad. Don't you know that the year printed on money is its expiration date? It's time to build up your appearance. You really do need a new car. That five year old clunker you drove in high school doesn't look good anymore. It's starting to hurt your reputation. Some of your co-workers with big shiny SUV's make fun of your old clunker. It doesn't help matters that the paint is getting thin from washing it four times a week during high school. The dashboard clock doesn't work anymore--how embarrassing! Face it! It's an old broken piece of junk that isn't worth fixing. Failure is imminent! Don't risk losing your job over the damn thing: replace it!
Never! Ever! Buy a used car! Used cars do not impress people. Remember, it's all about outward appearances. People can tell whether or not a car was bought used just by looking at it. Used cars cost more money--up front. Banks will never loan the full Blue Book value of a used car. You have to come up with the difference in cash. Who has moldy old cash anyway?
It is obvious that banks do not have faith in used cars. Neither should you! In fact, used cars cost more in the long run. They need new stereos, mag wheels, racing stickers, and fat tail pipes just to make them driveable. Don't sit in a seat someone else farted in--buy new! Did you know that you can drive away from a dealership with a new car and extra cash to boot? Respectable dealerships offer an amazing deal called "Cash Back." Just look for the dealerships that resemble a traveling circus at night. It's unbelievable! How the hell a dealership can stay in business by giving away free cash and selling cars under invoice is beyond me. They are obviously not as smart as us savvy consumers. I say, take full advantage of their stupidity before they go bankrupt. You can't afford not to! New car dealerships are worry free since you don't have to worry about what the car costs, interest rates, delivery fees, hidden costs, or any other unimportant bullshit. Simply tell the smooth-talking, top-heavy saleslady how much you can afford to pay per month. Before you can guess the size of her chest you will be sitting behind the wheel of a shiny sports car that costs exactly what you were willing to pay per month for the next five to ten years. There is no need to test-drive the car. A car that looks good works good. After you sign a dozen or so papers and hand over your cash back as the down payment--you didn't have any cash on hand--you can drive away in your new sports car.
You ain't on top of the world yet, but you sure are making progress--
professional degree, great career at the factory, debt, and a shiny sports car that is sure to turn heads for a week or two. I think it's time to take the next big step and find your own home.
In order to fully experience the American Dream you must own your own
home. A man's home is his castle and it should look like one. Keep in mind that mobile homes, trailers, and modulars are not really homes. There is a huge difference! Trailers and modulars are hauled in one piece or sections and then set up on a piece of property. A house is hauled in a bunch of little pieces and assembled on the property. Never settle for a home that was not built on your property. Why not buy a used home? You should know the answer to that.
Buy the most expensive house that you can barely afford! Seventy-five percent of your monthly income--before taxes--should be allocated for your house payment. You should finance your home for a minimum of thirty years. Keep in mind that the longer the mortgage, the more house you can afford. A typical family of two needs a minimum of a five thousand square feet to be comfortable while entertaining a couple of guests. Sure, it will be expensive to heat and cool! But when your friends drop in for wine and cheese you want them to see exactly what you are made of. Your heart will fill with joy when people you meet on the street comment on how beautiful your home is. It's such a good feeling knowing that you have accomplished so much at such a young age and made such a major impact on society. Houses are great investments, too, as they always go up in value. Thirty years of payments, interest, maintenance, repairs, taxes, insurance and other unforeseen incidents can add up to a lot of money. If your home triples in value you just might break even! Well, only if you sell your home. However, keep in mind that you can't take your home with you if you sell it.
I understand that all this debt may seem frightening at first. It's ok.
We've all been there. You must understand that high debt and wealth can have the same outward appearance. We have confirmed that life is all about appearance. No one can look you in the eyes and detect how much money you owe. All your friends from high school will be amazed at how fast you have moved up in this world! You'll be the most popular bachelor or bachelorette in town! It's a lot easier than it used to be. In the dark ages people paid for things with money. If they didn't have money they couldn't buy anything. Be thankful you didn't live way back then. Now, thanks to credit, appearance carries more value than money. The poor can look just like the rich by being owned by their possessions! Visa says, "Life takes Visa." That's so true! Without Visa we would all die--eventually.
Soon you find the perfect house on a sprawling one-third acre lot on the new golf course overlooking the ninth fairway. It costs a bit more than you wanted to spend. But hey, you only live once and the bank extended your mortgage to 45 years. It's time to have a show-off party! Invite all those fuddy-duddies that made fun of your old car at work. Show them just how successful you have become.
After you show off your new pad to all your comrades at work, your
company suddenly recognizes you as a dedicated "team player" that will be
an asset to them for many long years to come. As a reward, your responsibilities at work increase threefold without any compensation in pay. This makes you furious and you start looking for another job. Unfortunately, your new house limits the area in which you can commute to work. All the available jobs in your commutable area would require that you take a cut in pay which you cannot afford for another six years...when your sports car is paid off. You can't sell the car because it's not worth as much as you owe on it. It makes you wonder if your employers knew all this before increasing your responsibilities. They did, and they know the only thing you can do about is to bite your tongue and do as you are told. Gotta love corporate America!
In an attempt to make ends meet you become a workaholic. Workaholics are good citizens who follow the grain religiously. You can no longer afford to make a fuss. If you lost your job you would lose everything. You volunteer to work as much overtime as is permissible. Your social outings have turned into trips to the break room. Your friends at work are envious of your possessions. That's all that really matters.
Soon, your friends urge you to settle down and start a family. At twenty-two you aren't getting any younger, you know. Soon you will start noticing gray hairs on your head. Some of you guys will gain some extra real estate on the forehead. You need to tie the knot and settle down before you get too old to be attractive to anyone.
I can tell by the look in your eyes that your parents had at least one child. Do not break the tradition. Who would carry on the family name? Or inherit the house you worked so hard to earn? You have to get married and have at least one child. It's the American way. Every married couple can tell you that it's much cheaper being married than being single. Did you know that our government punishes single people for not being married at tax time? Its true! Children equal tax deductions. Parents know that the tax breaks for having children far exceed the cost of raising them.
Weddings should be beautiful and expensive. How can you expect the relationship to last if the wedding is only a half-baked effort? Don't worry, it's not your money--go all out. To the bride and groom, a wedding is a free party followed by an all-expense paid vacation with your soul mate. Who can resist a free party and vacation?
Wedding day is a beautiful day. Your mom cries and your dad gets teary eyed. Their little one has grown up and is following in their parents' footsteps. Vows are exchanged, the rings are placed and the groom kisses the bride--sealing their fate. Time for that beautiful honeymoon...assuming you could get time off work.
The honeymoon was great, but the period was late. It's official, you're gonna be a parent. Rejoice! For your child is sure to be the smartest and most beautiful baby ever. Just like everyone else's.
Once the baby is born you realize that your sports car is too small. Time for a mini van or SUV. Once you actually have a need for a mini van or SUV you are officially an adult. There is no turning back now. You are now just like those fuddy-duddies at work who helped steer you into your situation. You now understand the old saying, "Misery desires company."
Now you have a perfect family that you never see due to working all the time. What choice do you have with bills like yours? You've become so important at work that you don't take vacations. The factory would surely shut down without you. Remember you only have one life to give to your company. So you should Give! Give! Give! The unhealthy years of youth are not to be enjoyed. Life is eternal! You will have plenty of time to enjoy life when you retire. Remember, health always improves with age. It's been rumored that some people die before reaching retirement age. That's a Lie! Just read today's obituaries and see. Everyone lives to retire and enjoy life.
The next thing you know, more than thirty years have gone by. Your hair fell out, your back aches and your knees are worn out from years of walking on the concrete floors at the mill. You are really starting to show your age and feel it too. You just turned fifty-five, you know. You proved your dedication to your company. For your thirty-year anniversary your company presented you with a gold-tone Casio watch that doesn't work anymore. All of your friends were laid off years ago. You take pride knowing that you turned out to be a more important asset than your friends were. You've been at top pay for some time now. In twelve more years your house would have been paid for. The fifth mortgage for the in-ground swimming pool extended that seven more years. Appearance is everything, you know. Your new goal in life is to hold out fifteen more years until retirement so you can start to enjoy life. Work isn't the same as it used to be. Your supervisors are half your age and have degrees that cost more than yours, which is reflected in their level of intelligence. Unlike you, they know everything.
Late one Friday evening at quitting time your young boss leads a young man into your office and says, "Mr Somebody. I would like for you to meet Mr. Nobody. Over the next few weeks I would like for you to train Mr. Nobody how to do your job.
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