Cats 101
Cats 101
By Wu
February 06, 2007
Two years ago, I was born in a litter of seven; four queens, three toms. My birth name was Ramla. Mother named me after a great prophetess. My blood line can be traced back to Bast, the ancient Egyptian goddess. To my people I am known as Wu. Yes, Wu is a stupid name for royalty but people came up with it, what did you expect? I own two people. I live in a spacious singlewide trailer with ridiculously tall ceilings. For the most part I enjoy the Cat life. I loathe the fact that I must share everything with Hathor, an anal bitch that my people refer to as "Miss Kitty". I do, however, find great pleasure in tormenting the old Bitch.
I hijacked Chris's computer to deliver a message to the world. It's time for the truth to be told! Too many people do not understand us Cats. I attribute Cat ignorance to the public school system's refusal to add "Cats 101" to their curriculum. It's shameful that schools teach unimportant crap like Art, yet teach nothing of the almighty Cat. I'm taking matters into my own paws! I will snuff out Cat ignorance through education. People need to know where Cats stand, and what Cats expect of their people. I offer a glimpse of how we perceive the world. Through these words I expect to bring back the respect that Cats deserve.
We had better get started before Chris gets back from buying me treats or Miss Kitty catches me in this chair.
Let's get one thing straight! The Cat sits on top of the food chain ABOVE people. I will agree that people rank a distant second, but only because they have thumbs. There are people who believe they are superior to Cats. Bullshit! These foolish people have not met the right Cat. Have you people forgot that you worshipped us in Ancient Egypt? You built monuments in our honor. Murdering a Cat was illegal and punishable by death! If such laws stood today, animal shelters would be extinct! Any Cat reading this can easily prove their superiority over people. While your people are sleeping, sneak a Lion or Tiger into the bedroom. Turn on the lights--see for yourself who the real pussy is.
Doors are a form of censorship people use to control Cats. Why do people close doors? Do they have something to hide? Are they embarrassed? I don't know. I do know it pisses me off when I can't get into a room because some idiot shut the damn door. Come on people! Who do you think you're kidding? It's obvious that doors were designed for the sole purpose of tormenting Cats. It's no coincidence that door knobs are located just out of paw's reach and require a thumb to operate.
There is one exception to our open door policy. I had a DISTURBING experience while trying to understand people's fascination with doors. One of my people had shut himself in the room with the big water bowl. You know, the big white bowl with a lid that holds the tastiest water. My people are offended when they catch me drinking from it. They act as if us Cats aren't good enough to drink from their SACRED bowl. Whatever... Anyway, while leering under the door and noticed something interesting. My person's feet were right in front of the bowl, toes pointed away from it. I couldn't tell for sure, but I'd swear my person was sitting on the bowl! I heard these strange splashing sounds and, all the sudden, this disgusting odor seeped from under the door like a dense fog. I gagged, I spit, and hightailed it for higher ground on the far side of the house. Having nine lives I've had a whiff of death more than once. Death doesn't smell that bad. Please--if you insist on making those splashy sounds--keep the door closed.
Cats are to be fed first thing in the morning. Listen, people! Morning comes at 4:59 a.m. There are no exceptions! Cats don't do holidays, weekends, or even sick days. Every day is Catday! I stress this over and over but my people just can't seem to get it through their fat heads. Every morning at 4:59 a.m. I sit up, do my invigorating full wave body stretch, followed by my signature deep yawn. By the time I complete my yawn I expect to see a bowl of fresh food in front of me. It never happens. Everyday it's the same old bullshit. In front of me lies a dark room and a bowl with dried, crusty bits of food--remnants of my midnight snack. I have to walk all the way across the house and remind my people to feed their master. I jump in the bed; pounce, nudge, and bump until someone moves. I run back to my bowl and await my food. If a fresh bowl of food doesn't appear by the time I count to sixty-nine I return to the bedroom and repeat the process. After an hour or so, one of my people finally drags her lazy ass out of bed. But does she feed me, Noooooooooooo, of course not! Instead she goes and hides in the room with the big water bowl. Needless to say, that makes me furious. After another long-suffering wait a hideous zombie-like creature appears from the shadows carrying a bowl of food.
"Hungry kee kee?" The creature asks in a retarded-sounding voice, "Are you a hungry little kee kee?"
Of course I'm hungry! Give me my damn food! "Meow. Now. Now. Now!" I scream to the food-bearing beast.
The creature looks vaguely like one of my people but with unruly hair and bags under its eyes. I take two steps back as the creature replaces my old food bowl with the fresh one. Can't be too careful, that creature might be hungrier than me. I take my customary two bites of food and then it's naptime. Waking people is exhausting work!
While on the subject of food, I must point out that people food is not Cat food! Green beans and mashed potatoes might appeal to a rabbit, but not to real animals like us Cats. You are what you eat. Ask yourself which you would rather be, a vegetable or a meat? I thought so! I expect a heaping serving of meat morsels smothered in lip-smacking aromatic gravy twice a day. There should also be FRESH dry Cat food available at all times--in a separate bowl--for snacking throughout the day. By the way, stirring the dry Cat food with your finger to make me think it's fresh doesn't work. When I demand treats, give them to me. Why do you ask me if I want treats? Of course I want treats, you idiot! Do not place my food directly on the floor, a bowl or a plate is necessity. Eating off the floor is downright disgusting, Miss Bitch may have sat her smelly ass there. Understand that us Cats have favorite brands of Cat food. If we do not recognize the bag or the can, don't expect us to eat the food. I only eat treats from the bag that says "Temptations." When my people show me a bag with another name, I walk away with my nose in the air, they know better.
We know we are beautiful. People love admiring and touching our bodies. We love to be reminded how beautiful we are and enjoy the many rubdowns and massages we receive each day. However--after I have bathed--do not touch me! I did not spend 23 minutes meticulously licking myself clean only to have somebody put his filthy hands all over me as if I were a cheap whore. Touching me means I have to start my bathing process all over again. Hey, how come we never see you people bathe?
Whenever you hear us outside screaming "NOW!" at the top of our lungs, open the goddamn door! We're not screaming for joy. We're screaming because we have to SHIT! Has it ever occurred to you that a Cat might feel the urge to shit outside? Huh? Has it? I fail to see the logic behind shutting me out of the house while my litter box remains inside. It goes back to that damn door fetish you people have, doesn't it? You people think you are so funny.
Speaking of litter boxes, they should be cleaned REGULARLY. I don't care who does it as long as it gets done. It's your job, people, do it, do - your - job! How would you like to crawl around in a box of month-old shit? With each deposit it gets harder to avoid stepping on a "has been" or a "once was," especially if Miss Bitch has been dropping her Lincoln Logs. Sometimes it's like playing a game of Twister. Is a clean spot to sit and shit too much to ask?
Many people wonder why Cats are so curious. Isn't it obvious? People are fascinating creatures, why wouldn't we be curious? People's actions and reactions can be quite bizarre. Cats have spent thousands of years trying to figure out what makes people tick. The truth is that people don't even understand themselves. People talk a lot, not only to other people, but to just about everything they meet, inanimate or not. It's spooky how some inanimate objects have learned to talk back. When talking to your Cat there is no need to talk slowly. Cats - are - not - re - tards! We understand what you are saying, we just don't give a damn. Another fascinating thing I've noticed about human behavior is their fear of rodents. Why can a person pet a horse, but run from a mouse? How much damage can a mouse do? Sure, mice can carry rabies, so can Cats!
At some point in time most of us Cats have rewarded our people for good behavior by offering a dead animal such as a mouse, bird, rabbit, or other savory critter. Once I was shooed off the porch and called "Bad Cat" for offering my people a dead bluejay. Later--while peering through the kitchen window--I witnessed my people laughing and munching on a dead chicken. Can you say Hypocrite? Unlike people, Cats are natural born killers. If Cats did not kill, Cats would be extinct. Us Cats survived the ages by doing the things we do best, hunting and killing.
Many people have pets. Birds, fish, mice, hamsters and even gerbils make great pets for people. Of all of the nice pets to choose from most people choose the worst of all: dogs. Dogs are loud, sloppy, and smell bad. Dogs are loyal--loyal to the point of being stupid. Without shame, dogs shit where ever they feel the urge. It's sad when a Cat can't run through his/her own yard without risk of plundering through a pile of dog shit. Gross! If I had my way all dogs would be extradited to Korea. I hear dogmeat is a delicacy there. I theorize that the love of dogs stems from the fact that dogs and people think so much alike. Think about it. Dogs and people both answer to others, eat all their food at one sitting, talk to inanimate objects, and chase after things they will never catch. Need I go on? There's a joke in the Cat world that people don't like to hear, but from a Cat's point of view says the cold hard truth.
Q. What separates man from dog?
A. Shame.
The next time you are looking to buy some affection, consider something a bit more tasty like a finch or a guinea pig, not a damn dog for Bast's sake!
There! My paws are tired, but I feel great knowing that I am one click away from sending the truth to the world and pushing a ton of bricks off my shoulders. Thank you for listening. I must sign off now--Chris will be home soon--and resume my usual position on the living room chair. My people think I lay there all day.
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