The Great Yogurt Heist
The Great Yogurt Heist
By - Chris Crowder
January 18, 2007
Three weeks ago a man was arrested for hijacking a
truck containing a load of yogurt. The yogurt wasn't
your ordinary plain vanilla variety. This stuff
was extra special, hand whipped, and typically served
hot. John Q Public was identified as the suspect.
It all started at the local hardware store when
John confronted the truck's owner, Amanda Love, in
the parking lot. According to Love, John threatened
to spank Love and then claimed that he was packing.
"He never exposed his weapon to me. I took his word
for it; he had really big feet," said Love.
John climbed into the truck and sped away. Two men
backpacking in the nearby woods witnessed the event
and dialed 911.
Deputy Jane Doe, a real lover of fine yogurt, was dispatched to
get the situation in hand. A few miles from the scene
Jane spotted the yogurt truck at the Sticky Hole
Doughnut Shop.
"What kind of an idiot would take a stolen vehicle to
a doughnut shop?" Jane laughed out loud.
Jane entered the shop and approached the cashier, Jack Bottoms.
"Another cream pie, Miss Jane?" Jack asked.
"No...I'm looking for the driver of that yogurt truck."
Eddie Punchclock, sitting nearby, pointed to a man
in the corner. "That dude right there, the one
sucking the jelly out of that doughnut, drove up in the truck."
John became aware of the attention he was getting
and made a run for the door.
"Stop, in the name of the law!" Jane screamed as she ran after him.
John shoved Jane aside and forced his way out the door.
He climbed in the truck and sped away, nearly hitting
two men riding a camel. Jane got in her
car and proceeded to chase John.
The two vehicles raced down highway 52. It was
scorching hot. You could feel the heat rising from
the road. John swerved in and out of traffic like
the zig zag stitch of a fine tuned sewing machine.
John took every opportunity to get into an opening.
Sweat poured off Jane as she managed, with great precision,
to stay right with John. Jane loved the
thrill of the chase. She was a woman who knew exactly what she
wanted and was willing to risk all odds to take it.
The chase that started back on some curvy mountain
roads in Virginia gradually gave way down to Fancy Gap.
John nearly lost it as he raced into the tunnel.
But, John was a man whose reputation had always
preceded him. It was well known that John was very
capable of keeping his load of yogurt contained
in the heat of the moment. In and out they went.
Jane's insatiable determination to acquire John's yogurt
was unrelenting.
When the first opportunity arose, Jane slammed the gas pedal
to the floor and rammed hard into John. It was a signal to John
that she meant business and that Miss Jane was not a woman
to be reckoned with. Just as they penetrated the North
Carolina border, John found another opening. With a hard fast
left jab he thrusted his vehicle into it. A fiery
rage flew over Jane, like a woman scorned. More
miles went by as John continued to hold, just out of arm's reach, what Jane
so desperately wanted. Jane's
engine was overheating, the pressure was building, and
determination was boiling in her veins.
"All or nothing!" Jane said to herself.
The towns of Climax and High Point were rapidly approaching.
Jane slammed the pedal to the floor once more. The overheated
engine screamed in rage! 90mph... 95mph...a chance to catch
up appeared. Jane made her move without an inch to spare.
She drove harder and faster... 100mph... 110mph... Jane
managed to get beside John. 115mph... faster they sped
down I85 South. Jane's engine was now revved way past the red
line. She knew she had arrived at the point of no
return.
"Give it to me!!" Jane screamed.
She jerked the wheel hard right and slammed into the John,
forcing him over the edge of the road. There was a
loud pop as one of John's rear tires busted.
John lost his load as the truck plowed uncontrollably
into a muddy field. Jane's engine exploded almost
immediately afterwards. All of her built up
momentum quickly released as she spun helplessly,
yet willingly, out of control, finally coming to a
rest right beside John.
An eerie calmness fell over the scene. They sat
gazing into each other's eyes through the busted windows
of their spent vehicles. Jane wiped a splatter of yogurt
from her face. Their eyes said it all, not a word was spoken.
From a distance, approaching sirens could be
heard. The landscape was covered with yogurt. The vehicles were
a mangled mess. Three officers arrived at the scene,
Tom, Dick, and Harry. They arrested John. Jane
was carried to the local hospital for examination.
A Medical official said that Jane suffered a nasty
gash that resembled folded up burnt bologna, but would be
OK. John's bail was set at $69. Deputy Jane Doe was
praised for her unrelenting effort to see that
John was brought to justice. She received a big
promotion and a reserved parking place at the doughnut
shop. In an unsuspecting twist, Jane bailed John
out of jail. Two weeks later Jane became Mrs. Jane
Doe Public. Funny how things worked out that way.
John never did serve time in jail. He got a job
driving a yogurt truck and eventually repaid his
debt to society.
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